Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Randomize
