Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
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