I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
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