it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
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