my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Randomize
