I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Randomize
