I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Randomize
