i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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