then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
Randomize
