I'm so fucking centered right now
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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