Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Randomize
