Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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