A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Randomize
