You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
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