I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize
