the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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