Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
