i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
I know her cup size but not her name....
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
