are you still at the devil's house?
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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