Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Randomize
