At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Randomize
