Swine flu. Run for my life!
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
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