The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
Randomize
