we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Randomize
