I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
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