forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
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