just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
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