I just made out with a guy for $7.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Randomize
