Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Randomize
