I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
