My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
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