it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
I looked at my own cervix.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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