Just cropdusted the office
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
