how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Randomize
