Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
I lost the right to judge tonight
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
