East Village: Only place you can play pac man while eating a pineapple hotdog, go to the bar next door and see a graphic blowjob on every tv
I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
Randomize
