if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
