so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
