omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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