i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
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