I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Randomize
