All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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