My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Randomize
