Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
im calling her cock vulture from now on
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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