The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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