***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
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