I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
