I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
I don't care if its bassically 3rd world. A country without a drinking age is a country without a drinking age.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
