Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
