But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Randomize
