Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
Randomize
