Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize