I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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