I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
