Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
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