your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Randomize
