I could make wine with my vomit
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Randomize
